Cellar Door

this is gonna be a lot of words and i guarantee most of them wont make any sense at all but they’re begging to be written down and put out into the world. these words are banging against the walls of my head, screaming to be heard. 

i can see that you’re hurting. you’re hurting so bad. because he doesn’t treat you right. because you don’t think you’re good enough. because you don’t see how beautiful you are on the inside and on the outside. you’re a thing of beauty. you see the good in everything except yourself. you’re killing yourself to achieve these unattainable goals.

youre never going to reach that perfect weight because no matter how hard you work its never going to be good enough in your eyes. i wish you could see what youre doing. youre trying to hard. youre pushing yourself too far. 

you deserve better than him. so much better. if he doesnt look at you like the sun shines out your ass then he doesnt deserve you. youre an angel. youre a goddess and if he doesnt see that then hes blind. if hes losing faith in you and the relationship then you need to lose him. youre worth more than the pain that hes giving you.

i look at your blog and all i see is a cry for help. you know i can see whats there and i know that you want me to see it. you want someone to know that youre not okay. that your smiles are fake and every time you ask me how i am, youre diverting the attention away from how you are because how you are is not good. how you are is bad. youre falling to pieces but youre too proud or too strong to admit to it out loud. i’m not saying you need to seek help from someone real but at least ask for it from me. im always here for you. 25 hours a day, 8 days a week i’m here for you. seeing your blog and seeing how empty you are behind your beautiful eyes kills me. 

and dont give me your little smile and tell me its all okay and that youre gonna be fine. because you deserve to be better than fine and you deserve to be better than fine NOW not later. i want to help you but i can only do that for you if you ask me first. please ask me first. because watching this relationship kill you and this stress kill you and this irrational obsession with working out and losing weight kill you is killing me. and if theres anything about you that’s for sure its that you care about your friends more than you care about even yourself. so if i say that you hurting is hurting me, you’ll try to stop hurting. 

or you’ll stop letting me know that youre hurting and only hurt when i cant see which isnt what i want. not at all. 

so i hope you let me help you stop hurting. and i hope you end things where they need to end. because youre better than all of it. 

and i love you. and im here for you always. 

AMANDA I DEMAND YOU GO TO SLEEP THIS INSTANT

i think the reason i’m so okay with the break up is because i didn’t lose him because you can’t lose something you never really had. 

Tumblr won’t let me go on your tumblr which is annoying, so i’m going to write what i was going to send you in a message in a post instead.

Amanda Tran, you are one of the best friends I have ever had in my entire life. You are wonderful. You listen to me talk on and on about boys and my problems and my life and you never complain. You’re always there for me when I succeed and when I fall. You’ve never failed to cheer me up when a boy doesn’t like me back or I have a fight with someone. You advise me and help me in every way you can. And I don’t know if you know how much I appreciate that. Recently, I’ve been feeling like a lot of my friends don’t have any time for me any more but you never make me feel that way. And so this is me saying thank you. Thank you for always making time and being there for me. And I’m sorry that it’s always about me. 

I’m saying all this now because I’ve recently decided that this week, I’m going to do my best to talk about me a lot less and ask everyone else how they are, how their lives are going, how their love interest is. Including you. Especially you, actually. I feel like I have no idea what’s going on in your life and with your family and boyfriend and other friends and I really really want to. So this week, I hope you’re feeling chatty because it’s time for me to start talking less and listening more. 

I love you so so so much and I’m so grateful to have such a wonderful person like you in my life.